addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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