He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
