and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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