My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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