I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
