the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
