i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
