She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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