So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
