i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
