Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
