theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
