I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
