when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
