I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
