I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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