I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
