I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
