Your face is a jimmy john
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
