I just pynch a tree in the face
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
