Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
