I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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