apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
