if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
