listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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