I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he thought i was a dude.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
