youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
