my vag is so smooth its legendary
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
