Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
