I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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