Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
