I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
