I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
