when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
