I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
