please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
