im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
