If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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