just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
