You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
