duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
