he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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