One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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