Sponge bath it is.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
