hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
