my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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