i already hear my dad disowning me
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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