I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
