I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
