Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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