i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
